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#CPAW #16 – Maintaining Normality – Hollie’s Poem

13480004_2044616875762526_1944439469_nStrength is a woman heavily pregnant with two,

Who risked her own life, so that they could live through.

A woman who decided that although she had cancer,

Her babies being terminated was definitely no answer.

 

At 23 weeks pregnant as healthy as can be,

Sat anxiously waiting with mum in A&e.

A suspected blood clot found in my arm,

Praying this would do my babies no harm.

 

I was taken to a room lots of strangers around,

Then a doctor confessed it was cancer she found.

I ran away screaming because of the news,

I just ran and ran holding my bag and my shoes.

 

I was confused why cancer chose me?

Why now when I’m carrying my twins?

I begged to keep my babies safe,

At least up to when 3rd trimester begins.

 

I did it and although I risked my life,

Week 29 I became a mum.

My girl entered the world making lots of noise,

But where’s my boy? My heart went so numb.

 

I turned to my left and there he was,

Why wasn’t he crying like her?

They resuscitated him for what seems forever,

The rest just seems a blur.

 

He eventually made it although he refused to breathe on his own,

His lungs were just so tiny and not fully grown.

He had a heart condition that caused much confusion,

Medicine after medicine, monitors and a blood transfusion.

 

My girl couldn’t eat without tubes,

Each time I tried she would moan and groan,

Everyday I was desperate forcing her with a bottle,

I was a heartbroken mother who wanted her home.

 

Chemo began a week later, I then lost my hair,

My confidence was at zero, there was just nothing there.

I couldn’t look in the mirror, i couldn’t recognise myself,

I no longer felt pretty or a picture of good health.

 

I couldn’t feel sexy, i just wasn’t the same,

And it was much more harder to understand as nobody was at blame.

The best idea was to run away from the pain,

But i was now a mother and felt i didn’t deserve to complain.

 

There was a time I just broke down yet I had no tears left to cry.

I was told I couldn’t hold my boy incase i might die.

He grew an infection that could have ended my life so easy,

Unlike yourself who would At worst just feel queasy.

 

My babies eventually come home and I continued to be treated.

As the days and weeks went passing by,

I was more determined not to be defeated!!

 

I remember this was the moment I found the charity mummy’s star,

That over the weeks has helped me become a stronger person by far.

They understand that life doesn’t just go back to how it used to be,

But most importantly they were the only people I felt that truly understood me.

 

I felt I had to reply to the world with the words ‘I’m fine’,

Even though I felt fear and was distressed

I felt I had to lie to the doctor,

As successful mothers should not feel depressed.

 

But at mummy’s star I can be myself,

They encourage me to stand and be proud.

They have encouraged me to understand I’m not alone and I most certainly don’t stand out from the crowd.

 

They taught me that it’s ok to cry,

And are always there when I feel low.

They have encouraged me to love myself again,

Thanks to them I have learnt to let my level of self love grow.

 

I hope nobody else in this world has to experience the pain in my heart by far.

But I’m more than confident that you will be in the greatest hands,

As a member of the family I call mummy’s star.

Chat conversation end

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