The heartbreak is felt daily
I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer shortly after giving birth to my first born, a beautiful girl, Sophie. It was heartbreaking and devastating. It still is.
The diagnosis itself takes away so many options and plans for the future. Without doubt the hardest thing is the thought of leaving my girl before she even has the opportunity to know me or remember me.
Another great pain is that of infertility.
The medication I need to take to keep me alive is completely contraindicated in pregnancy...I cannot have any more children. I was not finished making my family, and now I will never feel a baby grow inside again, I will never give Sophie a brother or sister or have the chance to give my husband a son.
The heartbreak is felt daily. When I see Sophie playing with her dollies so nicely. When I hear of a friends pregnancy news. When I go for newborn baby cuddles. When I see mums with new babies. When I see families with two or three children.
As a woman who has a child, I’m made to feel guilty for being upset by my infertility. Like I should be glad to have a child.
Which I am, so, so grateful to be called 'Mummy' by my girl. But this wasn’t my plan. And it still hurts.
Talking about my feelings to others in the same position definitely has helped, and I’m told it gets easier. But I still grieve for the life that I planned.
I hope anyone else in the same situation has the support around them to navigate these big feelings.
Sarah is one of the founders of instagram support group @metastatic_mammas