Support for partners and family when mum experiences baby loss

If your partner has been diagnosed with cancer around the same time as you have both experienced the loss of a pregnancy, you may be feeling the weight of many emotions and demands on you. Perhaps trying to remain in work, help support your loved one going through their cancer treatment, potentially looking after other children all while grieving the loss of your much anticipated baby.

It can feel like you are navigating unchartered territory on your own, but you are not alone. We are here to help in whatever way we can.

One-to-one support

Our founder, Pete, created Mummy’s Star following his wife’s own diagnosis of cancer in pregnancy, to help support all families finding themselves in a situation similar to his own. He offers one-to-one support to those whose partner is either currently or has previously been supported by us.

Although his personal experience does not include baby loss, he has supported many partners since the creation of this charity and has great knowledge and empathy to share. He would be happy to reach out to you via email, phone or text and can create a confidential space to chat with someone who can understand and relate to what you may be going through.

If you would like to access his support, or if you would prefer to speak with one of our female support workers, you can ask your partner to request a the link from their Mummy's Star Support Worker. Alternatively, you can email us directly at info@mummysstar.org and we will send you a short form to complete.​ We will get back to you as soon as possible.

Resources and more

If you have other children in your family, you may be the one who helps explain the loss of the sibling they were expecting, while also helping them understand why mum is poorly.

This can be a lot to hold when you are still coming to terms with everything yourself.

If talking one-one with Pete doesn’t feel right for you, our Support Library has a variety of articles and information that you might find helpful, including:

• Talking to and supporting your children

• Support with work for partners

• Supporting your partner through a cancer diagnosis

  
  

We also have a section of our website specifically focused on helping to support you through this difficult time both emotionally and practically.

Expert advice

We have been fortunate to collaborate with Lucy Sumner from White Candle Counselling, who specialises in helping those going through miscarriage, baby loss, TFMR and infertility to feel more understood and supported. 

You might like to take a look at the  Ask the Expert session that Lucy recorded with the Mummy Star team which highlights some of the challenges that you might be experiencing since your loss.  In it she acknowledges the complex mix of emotions and grief that may be coming up for you and talks about the importance of seeking counselling and support at a time that is right for you.  

Creating memories and saying goodbye

A ‘memory pack’ is something you can create to retain precious memories of your child, and is sometimes provided by your hospital or you can find advice and resources from support services 4Louis and Simba.

What may be available will depend on the stage of your pregnancy, but your pack might include: locks of hair, hospital name band, handprint, a toy you have purchased for baby in advance, a baby scan photo and more.

Where it is possible, and feels right for you, consider whether you’d like to see or hold your baby after they have been delivered; this might feel difficult but can help to release some feelings of grief. If you do not want to see your baby, photographs can still be taken (which you may want to see in the future) and a memory pack still created.

Parents often choose to name their baby and have a funeral or memorial event to acknowledge their baby’s life. Should you choose not to have a private funeral, the hospital will ensure your baby is laid to rest with dignity.

Support from family and friends

Sometimes family and friends can be unsure how best to support you. This can include not knowing whether to mention your loss at all, not knowing what to say to you or how to phrase things when they talk about your child and your loss. Let them know what words and phrases you want them to use when referring to your baby and your experience.

If you have given your baby a name, share this if you feel comfortable. It can be helpful to hear your baby’s name said and recognised by others around you.

If you don’t feel comfortable talking about your loss or feel you are having to repeat the conversation many times, you could consider asking a trusted family member or friend to share this on your behalf.

Specific support for those experiencing miscarriage, stillbirth or baby loss

In addition to the support mentioned already, you may find it helpful to explore the websites of the organisation detailed below. Although the information that they provide often focuses on terminations due to concerns about a baby’s development, they have a deep understanding of the emotional impact of ending a pregnancy and are experienced in supporting people through this kind of loss.

Antenatal Results and Choices (ARC) has some very helpful resources on making difficult decisions during pregnancy, including a booklet which has been written specifically for those who are considering a termination of pregnancy. Although this focuses on termination following a diagnosis of an anomaly in a baby, it explores many of the emotional and practical challenges that may also resonate with your experience. They also offer a helpline for individual support.

TFMR Mammas is a support organisation for families who have made the difficult decision to end a pregnancy. They have a website and you can follow them on Instagram.